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The Great Weasel Conspiracy
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easel conspiracy I hear you scoff, “are you mad “ you say, am I? You’re the one reading this drivel. You have doubts, you find this hard to believe then read on.
Before we can explore the weasel conspiracy further we must first define the creature as it is
Oxford English dictionary, Weasel
A small brown and white carnivorous mammal, with a slender body, harmless enough you think but read on.
What does this mean in layman’s terms, a weasel is a sneaky little bugger not to be trusted. Why does this go unnoticed? Why is the true meaning hidden in the subtext? I’ll tell you why, the Oxford English Dictionary is written by weasels, ergo weasels rule the English speaking world!
You may find it hard to believe but 97% of weasels originate from Tipton in the West Midlands. This may seem an odd place to start world domination but think about it. When discussing the many areas, colloquialisms, accents and idiosyncrasies of this nation you often think of, Liverpool – thieves and scallys native wit, Manchester – thieves and ne’er do wells, London – cockney wankers, West country – Inbreeding, Glasgow – drunks. How many times do you discuss the west midlands? You don’t do you, why? Because they are all excruciatingly dull, how is this so, because the weasels want it this way, they hide behind well crafted anonymity. Do you know anyone who’s been to the west midlands and has openly praised it, no. This is weasel mind control they want you to forget you have ever been there.
Prominent Weasels
Weasels now hold many seats of power, but the cunning of the weasel does not allow its berthern to hold true offices of power. They prefer the subtle but more influential approach. The high queen of the weasels is seen here.
Queen of the Weasels
She may look harmless enough but behind the good natured chubby façade, lies a will to dominate and enslave the innocent. Her consort and executioner in chief is less conspicuous.
Lord High Weasel.
This creature is responsible for the torture of millions, his mind control through television was cut short, but he still plies his evil trade in summer spectaculars at some of Britain’s prominent piers.
Weasels of course need the capital wherewithal to run their empire, how is this funded? Trifle, trifle sales are now at an all time high, but the reality is no-one really likes trifle they just think they do, look at the ingredients it doesn’t make culinary sense.
Again this is mind control in action. As mentioned before weasels are cunning, they designed the M6 – M5 interchange, you know what I’m talking about. Countless of millions have spent hours sitting on this stretch of road, but unbeknownst to these poor souls they are being influnced by weasels. Whats the first thing these weary travellers do when they get home, you guessed it , eat trifle. They don’t know why they do it nor do they remember doing it, this another example of weasel evil.
Rebellion
Many people have found out the truth and have met unfortunate ends.
A weasels natural enemy is the llama, llamas have been forced to live in the Spanish speaking South American continent, but they’re will is strong and soon they plan to launch an offensive upon they’re ancient foe. Weasels are highly allergic to marmite, and you don’t need me to tell you why trifle is more popular than marmite. Llamas against Weasels are currently developing new marmite warfare to bring about the end of their world domination.
Genetically
Modified Weasels.
Weasels learnt many years ago that to win any battle air power was essential.
Their scientists set to work on flying weasels and they succeeded with enormous success. You think you’ve never seen a flying weasel, oh but you have Moths.
These airbourne beasties are another way of controlling the human race. People are forced to shut their windows on a summer night for fear of a mothy infestation. This leaves the ground troops to go about their unpleasant business undetected.
Weasels do not run the entire country however, there is one oasis of calm.
Yorkshire, not due to any outstanding will power, but rather an inherent disgust in the spending of money, especially trifle. Weasels here are know for their true selves, unfortunately word has not spread because the rest of the country thinks they are tight fisted mad men.
This open display of weasel hatred is most prominent in the annual sporting event “Weasel whacking “ an account of this years can be seen below.
This years event started in normal fashion until the dropping of one of their star players caused outrage in the whacking community.
Foreign Star Furrey D’ash who holds the record for weasel whacking was shocked to learn she had been dropped from this years team for not obeying the strict dress codes.
A spokesman for the whackers stated “Although furrrey D’ash is the best whacker around she failed to get her roots done and her moustache waxing leaves a lot to be desired”.
Furrey D’ash In Shock.
Furrey obviously overcome with emotion, refused to go quietly and vented her anger upon her former team mates.
“You can stick it up your arse, you orange shirted Nancy Boy”
However despite furrey’s absence the day was a huge success, although the whereabouts of a consignment of vodka is still under investigation.
I hope after reading this you are convinced of the true plight that mankind is indeed the villainous weasel. Want to know more, then find out like I did by eating a chilli made by a scary lunatic in Grantham, it certainly opens your eyes.
Fernando El-mushroom
Llamas Against Weasels
Lima
Peru