Vodka

 

Purchasing.  Vodka comes in bottles of many shapes, sizes, colours and prices.  However after extensive research the cheapest on the shelf is more than adequate for a successful night.  Once purchased take home and place in fridge to chill or if time is short the freezer is also acceptable practise.  Never mix vodka with any other liquid.  Ice is only allowable if fridge/freezer is on the blink and there isn’t a snow-

drift to hand.

 

If like me you live in a non celeb type backwater of a heap ensure full litre per two persons is consumed prior to leaving house and entering local hot spots as this helps deaden the shock and prevents despondency setting in.

 

Once in hostelry of choice position selves next to fatter and uglier birds than your good selves.  Note – vodka should now leave you feeling younger, slimmer and flatter in stomach – altogether downright bloody gorgeous or at the very least not caring about appearance, however its always best to be on the safe side and the old adage ‘have fat friend will pull’ still stands.  If enough vodka has been consumed any members of the rival sex, usually considered more attractive than one selves, will cease to exist. 

 

Spend next half hour unobtrusively pointing out the shockers as they walk past and repeatedly comment on your amazement that a town so small can house so many mingers with the fashion sense of a deranged walrus.

 

Move on to next establishment and repeat.

 

Before entering final port of call visit the local zoo where care in the community prevails but doubles are a pound a go.  Top up.  Have weekly tet a tet with two aged ex rugby players and conduct survey.

 

Surveys are important!  Each question should include at least one bodily function and come in three parts i.e.; Have you ever?  Would you ever? And depending on answers to first two either; How much would you do it for?  or Did you like it?

 

Stagger to club sniggering at queuing underlings while walking straight in and taking the circuitous rout to the toilets.  

 

1.         Check still looking fanbloodytastic in mirror while listening to girl invariably called Tracey sob uncontrollably over some tosser that she hasn’t seen for the last 6 months but who still has the nerve to bring his new tart out with him.  Note the new tart is always fatter and uglier than our Trace. 

2.         Exit loo and find space at bar.

3.         Get drink bought.

4.         Further boost self-image by noticing crap dancing, real ugly bints and endless fashion faux pas taking place.

5.         Go to bar.

6.         Get drink bought.

7.                  Dance.

8.                  Insult resident dj re being a tosser.

9.                  Insult club re music policy

10.              Dance some more.

 

Repeat steps 1 – 10 until closing

 

Make way to kebab house.  At this point it always helps to have built up a good Retail/Customer relationship.  Upon hearing the approaching hullabaloo said owner will put kettle on and have cup of tea ready for you upon entering (the kebab house).

 

Eat the bestest most tastiest, ever in the whole wide world, ever known to man pukkah pie/kebab with extra chilli/chicken and sweet corn pizza (delete as appropriate).

 

Depending on volume of moisture in air either hijack taxi or start the long stagger home.  If walking speed up or slow down in order to accompany any scared looking fellow revellers and proceed to confuse.

 

Make sure arrival at steep incline coincides with milkman’s and cadge a lift.

 

Arrive home.

Open wine.

Ring former friends as you see fit, using a variety of comedy accents.  Swedish au pair and ‘Mudda o’ Mary, Im an eejit’ always seem to go down well.  Note – Mudda o’ Mary seems to work better if a jaffa cake is first placed in mouth.

 

Assemble trifle.  Or if far more sensible cheese and jam sandwich or chocolate spread and tomato sandwich.

 

Tell mate to bugger off home and depending how feel either go to bed or go for a jog.

 

Start receiving occasional flashbacks from Tuesday onwards and chuckle or cringe where appropriate.

 

NOTE

 

Unlike ale or lager no matter how much vodka is consumed the beer goggle phenomena never takes place.  Ugly people are always ugly, fat men remain fat and tossers never suddenly appear to be have developed a personality worth sleeping with.  If you happen to wake up next to something scary, in my case because I married it, don’t pass the buck - vodka can never be held responsible.